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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Super Mario just plain sucks

I'm sorry, but the Super Mario franchise just plain sucks. I actually *AM* sorry that it does, because there is so much that's appealing about it... it is truly heart-breaking for the gameplay to be so bloody awful.

It's on the even of the release of New Super Mario Bros. 2.... a game that I WOULD NOT OWN if Nintendo PAID ME to own it. Let's put it this way--  I'd rather stomp on the cartridge, smash it to pieces with a hammer and set it on fire than try to finish it. I'm sure that smashing MYSELF with a hammer would be more fun than playing it.

I already know it's complete garbage, because every other Super Mario game blows. The basic construction and gameplay design of them is deeply flawed.

What's really bad is that the look of the game is so nice and cheerful. It fools a lot of people into thinking these are accessible games for children, when in reality they are so hard most children can barely complete 10% of the game. This franchise is largely responsible for driving the casual game market. People try out a Mario game, find out it's way way harder than it looks, give up on games, and come back as an adult when they find a few casual games on their iPhone. Nintendo's insistence on creating the same stingy-hard, with unchanging basic gameplay philosophy is what is killing Nintendo and slowly driving people away-- these games are less inviting, more elitist "hardcore gamer pwns" bullshit.

A game shouldn't require a walkthrough just to finish it. And power-ups-- how stupid is it to give only 2 slots for them? So basically if you don't ever die, you can use them... otherwise the game may as well not have power-ups at all because you die and they're gone just like that... making them almost useless. The Mario games are only good at giving players what they need only when they don't need it-- like being able to save at any time in New Super Mario Bros. *ONLY* after you've finished the game... when it almost doesn't even matter.

Then there's the damn LAG in the game controls... 1-2 seconds of lag before Mario reacts to any command-- jump, run whatever. Plus using the same buttons to do different things... moronic game design 101. Mario can do "special" jumps using the trigger button, but the game misinterprets the commands all the time since they use the same buttons, like trying to pull off a long jump or roll. Why is control lag railed against any time a game suffers from it--except the Mario games get a total free pass? Super Mario 3D Land is so laggy it's almost unplayable.

Just die already, Mario franchise.

All that said... there are times that, while I don't necessarily LOVE the Super Mario games, I do like them. They are fun-- at times. But so frustrating MOST of the time.


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